A Woman Away From Herself

These words that I read in my last book really touched me. I read them over and over. I earmarked the page. I typed them out:

“I do remember the things he told me, his own stories. He had a need to hear them told, I think. I don’t think he heard himself, it was more in the way of praying that some folks have, repeating words for the sound.

He was always reminding himself what others expected of him and why those things were good and necessary. I wonder if he’ll ever find his way. He always felt far away from me, even when he slept beside me. A man away from himself.”

It touched me in many ways: We all have a need to tell our stories; to hear the words vibrate outside of ourselves. 

I felt the truth of the importance of hearing the stories we speak. To really HEAR the words. So often our words, our stories, are just on auto-pilot. We don’t even hear ourselves. 

I thought about the impact of living unconsciously, just repeating words for the sound.

I felt the sadness of having to remind ourselves what others (society, friends, family, bosses) expect of us and trying to convince ourselves to bend in order to comply. And how if we bend too much, we lose our way. 

I was reminded that living by other’s expectations distances us from our truth. We become far away from ourselves. And if we’re far from ourselves, we cannot connect with anyone else, no matter how close we are physically.

If you’re interested in telling your story, in having a guide to help you really hear it; If you’ve lost your way among all the outer expectations; if you are a woman away from herself, I have openings for 1:1 consultations. I would be honored to help you back to yourself.

Surprise Sobriety

I did not plan to stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic. I am not preaching. This is simply my account of my experience without alcohol. It is not in any way about you.

 If you know me, this will come as a huge shock. I LOVE cocktails. And beer. But cocktails especially. I love researching recipes, reading origin stories of cocktails, making my own mixers from scratch, juicing the citrus by hand, the tools involved, creating a beautiful garnish, thrifting for an assortment of beautiful cocktail glasses. I photograph my creations for no reason other than I think they are so pretty. I LOOOOOVE EVERYTHING about mixology. I have an app. I have recipe books. I have a Pinterest board. 

But then COVID came. Is there any story these days that does not involve COVID? At first I was a cocktail making maniac. It felt like snow days after a huge blizzard. It was special. I hunkered down and got really into the cocktails. Then…Phase 2…we all realized it wasn’t just going to be a 2 week break. I got really focused on my health and shoring up my immune system and decided not to drink for a bit. No further thought or plan. Then it was a long bit and I hadn’t even thought about drinking. Weeks turned into months and I realized, much to my surprise, that I didn’t even WANT a cocktail. Weird. 

Sober-curious seems to be all the rage these days, but it never resonated with me. I loved my cocktails. It’s fun! But I wasn’t even thinking about them and when I did, it didn’t even sound good. Then one night it did. Kinda. I mixed one. I enjoyed it. But during the night I woke up feeling sick and horrible. Also weird. It was just ONE cocktail! Weeks later I had another. Same sick feeling in the night. Last weekend it was an amazingly warm and sunny spring day. We had finished yardwork and were sitting outside. THAT, my friends, is the perfect set up for a beer – amiright?! The Mister agreed and ran to get some. I had ONE BEER. I enjoyed it. It was a local sour and I LOVE sours! But then during the night I was sick again. UGH!!! So the last 3 times I had alcohol, I had the same sick reaction. Not a coincidence. My body has decided – no more! A friend suggested that I must be vibrating at a different frequency. I can get on board with that theory. So many things have changed for me in the past year. 

While I’m not super upset about this surprising turn of events – it is better for me not to drink, I know that – I am a bit bummed about a few things: 

1. ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL BARWARE!

2. The social cues – I associate good adult beverages with a group of friends gathered together having a great time, a canoe ride, a bon fire, hunkering down with Scott in the evening and having some great meandering conversation, our Saturday afternoon bike-n-brews, beautiful spring evenings, relaxation, fun. A cocktail signals something special is happening.

3. The creative artistry of drink making. 

So while I am not saying “I don’t drink”, because that feels confining, I can’t imagine wanting to drink. It’s so weird how it just fell away, without any thought or effort. I keep saying weird…because it’s weird! But some social cues still have me wanting a special drink. An alcoholic beverage signified something different and special was happening. And I CANNOT just banish my barware to a dark cabinet! One of my friends suggested that I start researching creative non-alcoholic drinks. I love that idea! That’s gonna be my new thing. I made a watermelon shrub last summer. I’ll expand on the shrubs with seasonal ingredients.

I may drink again. I am making no promises or commitments. I am just flowing with whatever feels right. So here’s to new adventures in special drinks. And to still being fun! And here’s to COVID changing everything. 

Notes on Fatigue, Surrender & Trust

I have found my 5 guiding words for 2021 to be such an anchor for me this year: Alignment, Purpose, Connection, Strength & Change. They are hanging on the wall in front of my desk. I made them pretty. I look at them all the time and think about what they mean and how they are showing up in my life. I think about the invitation to embody and practice and grow into each of these words this year. When they came to me, I was pretty excited about the first 3 – Alignment, Purpose, Connection. I saw how these directly related to City Cricket and that was where I was feeling energy and excitement. But strength and change…those were fine words, but I didn’t feel so connected to them. Well, let me tell ya, this past week they came into sharp focus when a recurring, familiar, crippling fatigue returned.  

My first thoughts were UGH!!!! AGAIN???!!! NOOOOO!!!!! Those were closely followed by feelings of dread, anger, and frustration. Then I decided to handle the fatigue differently this time. I usually want to fight it - throw punches, get really mad and outraged. I want to battle! I get busy with problem solving and working hard at healing. This time I decided to take the drama out of it. I was instead just an interested observer. I acknowledged it – “Hello. It’s you again huh?” I talked to it like a person. I started to connect with it, to relate to it differently. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t “my” fatigue. It was just a visitor. The fatigue seems like a tough, old, wise woman. No-nonsense. A little gruff, not at all sweet and comforting. Her skin is dark, with a million wrinkles, deeply aged by the sun and challenging experiences. I named her Fatima. I got real weird and it felt good. I developed a relationship with her. I not only accepted Fatima, I welcomed her. I asked her - what lessons are you here to bring? I know you are here for a reason and I am listening. This time I will not fight you. I will sit with you. I will listen. I will accept you and thank you for the gifts that you bring. While you are an unexpected guest, and admittedly not one that I was happy to see pull up in the driveway, this time I will invite you in and we can make some tea and chat a while. I have some snacks in the frig. Maybe I have misjudged you. Maybe I can learn from you. I made a CONNECTION (guiding word).  

As I got better acquainted with Fatima over the week, I saw that she was bringing my 2 guiding words CHANGE and STRENGTH into focus. I saw that she was giving me a chance to practice SURRENDER & TRUST (my next workshop). She was inviting me to look at EVERYTHING in a different way.  She was inviting me to change the way I hold energy- how I flow through my days, how I approach work, how I listen (or don’t) to my body. I started to ask myself - what feels good right now, what does my body want to eat right now, does my body want to move or be still right now? I did not see anything in my day as a given or a must-do. I reexamined everything. I looked at the energy with which I came at everything. It’s usually not the thing itself that zaps my energy, it’s the energy with which I engage with it. I know this concept. I know it intellectually. But last week I FELT it. I really GOT it, at that cellular, feeling level.

I dropped the frustration of feeling limited. I saw that she actually opened up new ways of doing and being. I was not limited, I was actually expanding in different ways. I dropped the fear that she would stay too long, and maybe never leave. I dropped the anger – This AGAIN!? Why me!? I don’t have time for this!

I was invited to change the way I work, the way I rest, the energy with which I approach all things, which requires a CHANGE in perspective. And STRENGTH. I am being called to a new sort of strength. Not the gritty kind – where you suck it up, grit your teeth, and plow through to produce. Not the kind where you push yourself through because it’s good for you, or because it has to be done. Not the kind where you grin and bear it, put your chin up and stand firm. I’ve practiced all those kinds of strength. I’m pretty good at them. However, THIS kind of strength…well…it’s unfamiliar. Do I have the strength to dismantle long held beliefs that are not serving me? Do I have the strength to look at Fatima in a different way, because it’s easy to hate her and fight her, but to welcome her!? Wow. Ummm. Idunno. Do I have the strength to keep reminding myself to try a new way of doing and being? Do I have the strength to really rest and allow my body what it is asking for? Do I have the strength to constantly keep challenging the way I approach everything that I do throughout the day? This is a very different kind of strength that I am being invited to practice. 

Last week was an exercise in Surrender & Trust, the next workshop I am preparing to offer. Those topics were presented to me in some form EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. A book I picked up, a podcast I listened to, a friend sending a text…it was coming from everywhere! So I listened. I surrendered to the fatigue. I did not fight it or hate it. I did not see it as a foe or a hoe. I connected with it. I trusted it was here for my highest good. I fully embraced it and committed to seeing the gifts. I changed the way I held the fatigue. I changed the way I did absolutely everything. It took strength to keep coming back to that attitude and commitment, lemme tell ya! But I can do hard things. 

I am feeling more strength today. I have the strength to write this. Last week I thought of trying many times, but I heard – “Not now. Rest. Receive.” Maybe the energy will last. Maybe it won’t. Either way, I am different and I am doing things differently. I accept her gifts with gratitude, I surrender control, and I trust that it is all for my highest good. Thank you, Fatima. Until we meet again…cue Sound Of Music “So Long Farewell”.

Thank You Virgo Full Moon

I have had a big energetic shift in the past few days. Thank God. Have you felt an energetic shift too? 

In the last few weeks of February I felt dull, disconnected, ungrounded, unsettled, spacey, kind of manic. I felt like I was in a pinball machine, feeling outside of myself, grasping for something – wanting to scroll, shop, keep busy. I was feeling out of alignment. Alignment is my 2021 word. When I made the effort to get grounded, the tools that I have learned did help. But I felt resistant to using any of them. I was resisting most everything. 

On Saturday, the day of the full moon, it all broke loose! Thank you, full moon, for providing the energy to release that which does not serve.

I had not been journaling during my morning quiet time, but I felt compelled to go to the page that morning. I resisted, but did it anyway. Writing is one of my main tools for spiritual and self connection. It never fails to reveal issues and answers that were not clear to me until I started writing. 

THAT was the answer. I am certain my guides called me there. I did some channeled writing, which is pretty new for me and oh so magical! I received direct messages and instructions. Energetic blocks were revealed through the process of writing – pencil to paper illuminated everything. 

I heard that my lack of vibrant energy was because I have been regularly eating meat the last few months. I am not anti-meat. I am pro-intuitive eating. I had been feeling that meat was no longer serving me for several days, but was not listening.

It was also revealed that I have been in a pattern of hiding. I had been emotionally insulating, just wanting to do my own thing, craving privacy, resenting all of the interruptions. I have also not been taking responsibility for my finances. As I wrote, it just came out of me that this “hiding” is a (Human Design) Manifestor coping mechanism I have developed over many years - I hide so that I can do what I want to do without anyone trying to question or stop me. It was revealed that this “hiding” energy blocks love and connection, as well as money. 

I was also shown the constricted energy that I have been holding. I had been very much in the masculine energy – “I have to rush and get this done because I don’t have enough time! My to-do list is growing and I can’t get it all done!” I was going hard and fast, drinking coffee again to help me go faster. I was getting rigid and controlling. I had been literally holding my breath and clamping my teeth. This energy served me well for many years, so I thought. I was positively reinforced for getting so much done and buckling down and charging through. But this is not sustainable – for my Human Design type, especially. This energy made me sick and lead to a broken shoulder. As I wrote, I recognized all of the ways I have had a constricting energy and attitude lately. 

After the full moon day journaling/spirit guide connection/meditation experience I felt a clear energic shift. I felt better- like I was getting back on my feet after being sick. Not vibrant yet, but healing. The following day I felt almost normal again. My energy had returned – the kind of energy that flows and recognizes joy and inspiration. Scott and Ruby and I built a fire that night, made smores and had such a great time. In the last 2 days I have started hearing my guides more frequently again, my dreams are revealing truths, I am getting messages for other people again, messages that I need to hear are popping up everywhere again. I have stopped resisting and constricting and hiding and it is like a dam has broken loose – in a good way, not in a “ruin the town” sorta way. It’s all flowing again.

The astrologer, Chani Nicholas, posted a message about that full moon on Instagram that caught my eye: “The full moon in Virgo brings about pivotal shifts, highlights missed steps, and brings into focus what we need to adjust in order for our systems to function as well as possible. Virgo is interested in digestion, integration, and removal of what doesn’t work. We are reminded to come back into alignment with ourselves.” Yup. That sums it up perfectly. 

I am learning how to use energy and how to recognize when I’m tapping into an energy that does not serve myself or others. I am learning a new way of being and working that is in alignment with my true essence. The learning process is a rocky one. I had veered from the path and this was a course correction. Thank you Virgo full moon!

Wintering

I have been musing on the light and the dark this month. This topic has been coming to me from many different angles, as is often the case with a lesson that I need. 

I signed up for Toko-Pa Turner’s podcast series. She is new to me and I am a bit obsessed.  Check her out! The first interview was a discussion about the fairytale, Sleeping Beauty. I admit that I was not excited when I heard the topic of fairytales. Bleh! But it was a deep and rich analysis of what fairytales represent. They picked apart every aspect of that story. Now I’m hooked on the topic! The mystery of the tale of Sleeping Beauty, or Briar Rose, that keeps coming back to me is that the King, you may remember, invited only 12 of the 13 wise women of the land to a banquet honoring his newborn daughter. At this banquet, the wise women/witches were to bestow their gifts and blessings upon her. The witch who was left out was outraged by the slight and cursed his daughter. What I have been wondering is WHY was she not invited? And what was her gift? I keep thinking that maybe her gift was pain and suffering. We so often see, after the fact, that pain and suffering are such valuable gifts. But who wants to sign up for THAT gift?! And don’t we do anything possible to spare our children from (the gift of) pain and suffering? It’s easy to hear about the darkness and light both being important, and we get it conceptually, but when it comes to your children being in the midst of darkness, well, darkness doesn’t seem like such a gift. And when darkness comes upon us, yeah we’d just rather go ahead and pass on that gift.

I had another opportunity to examine the darkness and light when I gathered online with a group of heart-minded women for Imbolc. Imbolc is celebrated on February 1 – the half way point between the winter solstice and the Spring Equinox. It is a time to mark the hope of the coming light. A time to recognize potential, to plant seeds, to make room for growth. It’s also a time to acknowledge the necessity of the darkness, and the gifts that the dark winter brings – more rest, less activity, more reflection.

My third opportunity came via the “On Being” podcast interview with author Katherine May on her book “Wintering”. She looks at the dark winter as both a cycle of the natural world, and as a season in our lives. Embracing both the winter and the summer, the light and the dark, the good times and the bad, the joy and the pain. A remembering that the winter season comes – literally and metaphorically - and it goes. It’s all a part of the process. Every season has a purpose. There is a season, turn, turn, turn…do you hear that song in your head too ;-).

And lastly, in a very literal way, I have been working in our finished basement lately. There’s not much natural light down here. I normally CRAVE the light that the window filled main level provides. But I have been thriving in the low light of the downstairs space these past few months, feeling cradled and cocooned by Mother Earth.

In Indiana this stretch to warmer weather is the toughest. It seems like spring will never come. It’s the same feeling I get in a wintering season of my own. When I broke my shoulder a few years ago, I thought I would never heal, I would never be independent again, I would never be “normal” again. But it was just a wintering season, and it brought so many gifts – I learned to ask for help, I learned that I had SO MANY beautiful supportive people in my life that would do countless loving acts to nurture me, I learned to slow down and rest. And lots of other gifts too, but this post is getting long. And COVID…a collective wintering…

So this season I am focusing on the gifts of wintering – literally and metaphorically. All of the seasons should have a seat at the table. Like it or not, they’re coming to the banquet. We may as well just set a place for them, welcome them to the party, and accept their gifts with gratitude.

Alignment

I chose a word for 2021. Alignment. I have never chosen a word of the year. A year is a long time to commit to just one word. That’s a lot of pressure on a word! So I chose 5 - haha! But ALIGNMENT is my main word and the other 4 all come back to that word.  

I did that Facebook word search thing that was going around. I believe it is a fun and playful way for Spirit to direct your attention. The other 4 words that jumped out at me were: purpose, connection, strength and change. I did some reflection and journaling on these words and they resonate so much. And as a confirmation, I am seeing and hearing “alignment” everywhere.

I feel as if I am coming into alignment. I had a nearly 30-year career in corporate wellness. The “corporate” part no longer felt right…well, it never did but I wanted it to so I figured out how to play the game, and I did it well. But it was never who I was. It was not aligned. It is exhausting to try to be someone you’re not day after day. To live out of alignment. I have spent the past few years, since leaving the corporate environment, stepping back into who I really am.  That means owning my weirdness, sharing it more and more, and being and doing what honestly feels aligned for me.

I am learning to be more in the feminine flow, and to trust that. I love to be in that flow, but I have thought that I needed to WORK more, not flow more. I should have a task list, a plan for the day, a schedule, goals. I should be driven if I want to succeed. I need to hustle, to work HARD, to sacrifice, to be exhausted, overwhelmed and irritated.  THAT means that I am really “working hard”, which is what I’m supposed to do, right? Do you remember that Seinfeld episode when George Costanza had the theory that in order to seem capable to George Steinbrenner that he just always had to act tired and frustrated and exasperated? And he was right…Steinbrenner took those cues to mean that George was doing great work. I bought into that.

Then there is the matter of my health, which means I don’t have sustained energy – how will I hustle and (over)work in order to build a business?! I quite literally can’t do that. And that’s the only way to be successful, right? Plus I have a family- kids with health issues that require so much of my time and energy and attention. Family needs to be my priority and then I won’t have anything left.

Do you see the cage I constructed for myself? I love that Eagles line: “so often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.” What I have come to see is that all of those pre-conceived notions are just thoughts. They aren’t real. And I don’t have to believe those thoughts. I know they are holding me back. For YEARS I have had this dream of City Cricket. This dream of connecting women and helping them to connect with themselves and find what lights them up, trust their intuition, take care of themselves, and be who they want to be. I was sometimes able to do that work in the corporate world. But I knew for years that I could do more and better on my own. So why am I going to let those thoughts - that are probably not true - hold me back from what I know is my purpose?

The answer is I’m not gonna!! No sir-ee bob! No more. I will no longer buy into those thoughts. I am free to create whatever I want and however I want! This is all part of coming into ALIGNMENT with my PURPOSE…providing space and community, tools and experiences, that help women CONNECT to their higher selves.  These are my 2021 words!

This is a year of big CHANGE for me. It will require STRENGTH, but not in the old ways that I have looked at strength. Strength for me now means:

• having the courage to use my voice - no matter what people may think of what I say – because what I say and do seems weird to a lot of people. That’s ok.

• taking care of myself, which may mean doing fewer tasks, but more aligned tasks. 

• listening to my intuition and messages from Spirit about the next right step- aligning my knowing with my actions. Trusting that the messages that I hear are the path. Flowing more.

So here’s to 2021 – a year of alignment, purpose, connection, strength and change.  Here’s to flowing more, here’s to trusting your intuition.  I’m ready!

Recalibrating

This morning as I came into my meditation space, I saw that a rose pedal from my altar had drifted onto my White Light oracle card deck – a sign that I had a message in the cards today.  I drew “Spirit Owl”.  I love this card.  I have drawn it before.  It said: “This card reconnects you to your authentic soul path and higher purpose.”  I know I am on my soul path now – I am doing it!  I’m not just sitting on the path and resting/avoiding anymore!  “It is a sign that your mind is tuning into something true.”  I have been feeling some unease about some upcoming healthcare decisions, so this confirms that my unease is founded in truth, not fear, which was my question to Spirit yesterday – please help me know the difference.  “It augurs clear seeing and higher understanding.  You will be freed from a struggle and set on a creative, empowering and effective path of manifestation.  This is a blessing of creative, psychological fire.  Trust that the more you let go, the more you will experience renewal and stunning spiritual rebirth.  The past is truly over and a new era is dawning.”  Oh I have been FEELING this and knowing this, on such a deep level.  I feel like a different person.  In the last few weeks we have had some strong windy days – I felt them bringing a shift in me…the winds of change.  I was reflecting with a friend yesterday on the steps I have taken in the last few weeks to build this business that I have been dreaming about for YEARS.  She reminded me that it has been YEARS of talking and ideas and dreaming! I recognized that I have left so much old baggage behind.  I have truly grown into someone different.  I am not drinking anymore – this was not a conscious decision.  It just doesn’t feel good anymore.  Isn’t that weird!?  Tracy isn’t crafting cocktails!?  I kept hearing the message – “heal your gut” over and over in the past few months.  Then Scott proposed 2 weeks ago that we go on the AutoImmune Paleo diet plan to heal your gut and autoimmune symptoms.  It is changing my frequency and my physical health.  I barely recognize that person who has been so fearful of flying her freak flag.  Back to the card: “Recalibration to a higher order of divine purpose is in progress…be fearless as you gently hold space for new ways of thinking, living and seeing to emerge.  Let go of opinions and belief systems that cannot support you in higher frequency states.  You shall soon recognize a truth that cuts through confusion and frees you to proceed with love, peace and higher understanding.”  My card draws are always profound, but this one hit me in a big way.  And I bet if you’re reading this, the message is for you too.

You can draw your own card, and access your own divine messages. You don’t need anyone to be a go-between. But if you’d like assistance, and a guide, I offer these sessions for $25.  I will draw a card for you, process it with you, and lead you through a healing meditation technique.  The sessions are 45 mins – 1 hour.  Let me know if you’d like to schedule a personal appointment.

The Gifts Of 2020

I have a secret.  I do not hate 2020.  And I do not long to “get back to normal.” Normal kind of sucked.  I like that 2020 has rocked this world, that it has rocked each of us in our own unique ways.  It has caused awakenings of all sorts, and awareness on so many different levels.  Lots of pain, yes.  But pain brings the opportunity for radical growth.  And I love that.  2020 has exposed systems and structures that need to be demolished and rebuilt – within ourselves and in the outer world.  It has shown us what needs tending to.  It has shown us different perspectives that we may not have considered before.  We needed to see a different way, a new perspective.  We needed to be awakened from our slumber.  And now that we have, what will we each do with it?  Will we resist?  Will we long for the past, for “normal”?  Will we shift and change?  Will we see another way for ourselves and our world?  Will we create a new way?  What are we each going to do with what 2020 has brought us?

What If It's Not Broken

I've been toying around with this idea - "what if the things that I'm trying to fix, that seem wrong, aren't actually wrong, and don't actually need fixing?"  

You may know that my daughter, Ruby, has an autoimmune disease called PANDAS.  It's a hard disease - for all of us.  I feel bad for the struggles she faces daily.  We have spent years trying SO. MANY. SOLUTIONS.  So much money, so much time, so many practitioners, so many treatments, many creams/salves/drops/pills...  

Lately I've been exploring the idea that maybe she doesn't need fixing.  This is her path. It's not mine to try to control and fix.  This is all happening for her highest good.  

What if the big scary thing that seems broken isn't actually broken?  What if the pandemic, and all of the resulting pain and struggle and confusion and fear, is here to make way for the highest good for all.  What if Ruby's illness is here for the same.  Well, that is what I choose to believe.  I've seen enough evidence and heard enough stories to believe that suffering isn't in vain, and that we only have control over how we are going to act in the face of it.  How I act is my choice.  So I get up every morning and I try to make a choice I'm proud of.  I connect with Spirit (whatever that means for you - your higher self, the universe, god...) and I listen for the messages.  Hey some days it doesn't go so well.  Some days I get shitty with people and I'm mean.  Like yesterday.  Some days I'm sad and resentful and feel self pity.  But I keep trying.  And it works more days than not.  

So what can we do to see seemingly broken things a little differently?  How can we change the lens with which we view challenges?  Because it's here, and there's no sense in fighting it.  As Ma Ingalls said:

This earthly life is a battle. If it isn't one thing to contend with, it's another. It always has been so, and it always will be. The sooner you make up your mind to that, the better off you are, and more thankful for your pleasures.

Yes, I just quoted Ma Ingalls ;-).

Wishing you a joyful perspective today, my friends, as we all navigate these challenges.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream last night: I lived in an apartment building with my family, very high up.  It was in the middle of a city that looked war-ravaged.  The building was only 1/2 standing and the excavation crew was there with a wrecking ball to finish bringing it all down.  I asked one guy to wait while we went inside to get what we could of our belongings.  I wasn't sure he would would tell the right people, so it was a scramble to get in and get what I could before the building started falling.  I was panicked.  It was a race against the clock.  I am literally sweating right now, as I type this!  I was frantically sorting things and putting them in piles - keep this, don't need this, pack this in that.  I went to check on the machinery at one point and the side of the building was gone, exposing our apartment to the dark, wet night.  The floor was sloping and crumbling, and slippery.  I was trying to grab the dogs because they were so close to the edge.  What else do I need?  What do I let go of?  Everything was literally falling apart.  

Exactly, of course, what is happening in the world.  So many things are crumbling.

I was instructed to draw a card in meditation this morning.  I've been working with a new deck, Alana Fairchild's White Light Oracle.  And I LOOOOVE it.  Here's what the card said:  "It is time to let go.  Things are working out in their own way.  Trust that your heart is wise and is leading you on a soul-healing journey, and the right spiritual path.  Spirit wants to bring you a blessing and a resolution, but you must let go and allow it to happen.  Events are unfolding according to a higher plan.  Even if your plans are going awry, know that all will come together at the right time and in the best way possible.  Surrender your struggle and hold on to your faith."

I see so many applications of this card in my life.  So many places where I need to let go.  So many places where I need to trust.  This time in the world is a wonderful opportunity to work on surrendering my struggle and holding onto faith.  I'm looking for what I can let go of.  Where I can stop grasping for control.  I'm looking to practice more trust and faith.

Sending you love, and hoping that you're finding the blessings in this dismantling. 

What Are The Gifts And Lessons

Isn't this pandemic rollercoaster ride interesting?  

I was listening to The Balanced Blonde podcast yesterday and she said this:  "Get quiet, take some deep breaths, and ask your higher self - your all knowing, strong and calm self:  what are the positives of this situation?  What are the gifts and the lessons we are here to learn?"

I am committed to asking myself this daily.  Don't get me wrong - I'm going to feel all the feelings - fear, anger, confusion...  I'm going to read the updates from reliable sources so I can stay informed.  Because when we know better, we can do better.  I will not put on rose colored glasses and ignore reality and pretend like everything is fine.  People are struggling, people are hurting, people are dying.  There is a lot of pain.  But I also know for certain, from experience, that really painful times bring needed change.  That has always been true for me.  I am determined to see the bigger picture, what needs to be changed, and to see what I can do to help usher in a better world on the other side of this, and during this...because who knows when we'll be on the other side, so might as well get busy now.

Check out my video on my City Cricket Coaching IG or Facebook pages, or on youtube, to see the goddess oracle card that I drew today - Pele.  "Pele shows us that fire can purify, release us from the old to make way for the new..."  That's what is happening.  The old systems are crumbling and that will make room for the new.  There is so much opportunity to create right now.  How can we, personally, contribute?

My likes and learns from yesterday:

Like:

• Barbara Manley's video posted by Playful Soul.  She is a lovely person and I felt so much better after doing this short and simple tapping video with her.  If you don't know Barb, she was a nurse for many years in Indy and then moved to CA to work with Deepak Chopra at his center for 7 years, and has trained with many other big names in the spiritual world.  She is one of the most joyful people I know.  Even just watching her videos brings a smile.  Fun fact:  I kissed her son once ;-).

Learn:

• The power of a simple walk together...Ruby and I, at her suggestion, walked to our old (but still ours, pending 4/9 closing) house on Broadway yesterday to hunt for the feral kitten litter - please Jesus Mary and Joseph, don't let her find them!  I purposefully don't look, because fostering one feral kitten litter was enough for me, but I enjoy the time walking with Ruby.  It was AWESOME.  While walking that far KILLS my old lady/autoimmuned knees and hips, the pain was so worth it.  She talked THE ENTIRE TIME, which is not the norm these days for my sweet almost-teenager.  It was the highlight of my day.

I hope you are finding some joy and creativity during this time.  Sending you love and light.

*Drawing by my niece, the magical Madison Tomes, circa 2015.

Feel the Sun on Your Wings

Good morning friends!  How are you holding up?  Two weeks ago today was the last day I went about my normal life.  How about you?

I've started jotting down likes and learns on my planner each day.  It's a fun exercise to train my mind to find the positives, and to see the lessons the pandemic is bringing.  It's pretty easy to get pulled into the sadness and panic of it all.  I mean, the world is on fire - people are hurting, and all of the systems we took for granted are crumbling.  It's undeniably a shit show of epic proportions.  While I want to be informed, and I certainly feel the gravity of this situation, it doesn't help anyone if I dwell in that.  Likes and learns is one way of helping me to refocus.  Here are my likes and learns from the past few days:

Likes:

• "The Line" podcast and "alnwithin" IG account.  Ashley Wood is a psychic medium who I have followed for a while.  She has been a light through all of this and has such interesting views on the pandemic and our changing world.  She called what is happening now  "a sacred dismantling".  I really love that.  I've had a few sacred dismantlings in my life and I bet you have too.  While really painful and scary, looking back on them, they really helped me grow and evolve, and they were some of my greatest gifts.  I believe this pandemic will be too.

• That this is happening in early spring and we have the opportunity to spend more time outside observing nature coming back to life.  I don't think I have been so observant in past springs.

Learns:

• I can stay "busy" no matter WHAT the situation - even when forced to stay home and cancel all plans.  Still going 100mph.  Scott points this out to me because he is NOT a busy person ;-).  My busyness mostly serves to take me out of the moment and makes me hyper-focused on tasks, which is not always the best way to spend my time.  I'm going to be more aware of that, and more intentional with my time.  Getting stuff done is fine and good.  But constantly running from one task to the next is not so fine and good.  

• We humans are very clever and helpful.  I have seen some really sweet ways that people are stepping up to help each other and it warms my heart.  I love how people are coming together to donate masks they have laying around in the garage, and making masks for healthcare workers.  A retired nurse in our neighborhood posted on NextDoor that if you have any masks you have purchased (like for cleaning out the garage and such), that she would come by and pick them up on your porch and take them to a local hospital.  We had a few to give.  And JoAnn Fabrics, among others, have posted instructions  and a video on how to make masks for local healthcare workers.  They are even HANDING OUT FREE SUPPLIES CURBSIDE to make them!  Wow!  My parents and grandparents lost their homes and all of their belongings in an F5 tornado in 1965.  While undoubtedly a traumatic experience, the stories we grew up hearing were the stories of how people came together to help them.  I hope that will also be the legacy of this pandemic - how we all stepped up to help each other.  How love prevailed.

I'll close with this from Patricia Garza Pinto FB page (another Like!):  

Message from the Council of 13 Indigenous Grandmothers:

"As you move through these changing times... be easy on yourself and be easy on one another. You are at the beginning of something new. You are learning a new way of being. You will find that you are working less in the yang modes that you are used to.

You will stop working so hard at getting from point A to point B the way you have in the past, but instead, will spend more time experiencing yourself in the whole, and your place in it.

Instead of traveling to a goal out there, you will voyage deeper into yourself. Your mother's grandmother knew how to do this. Your ancestors from long ago knew how to do this. They knew the power of the feminine principle... and because you carry their DNA in your body, this wisdom and this way of being is within you.

Call on it. Call it up. Invite your ancestors in. As the yang based habits and the decaying institutions on our planet begin to crumble, look up. A breeze is stirring. Feel the sun on your wings."

Wishing you sun on your wings today - a beautiful 60 degree spring day full of  SUNSHINE and hope.

A Return to Spiritual Order

I was called to draw an oracle card and wow was it a doozy of a message!  I've been processing it all for a few days.  You can watch the 6 minute video about it on my youtube channel.  We're being called back to spiritual order.  Old systems are crumbling so that we can uplevel to a higher frequency.  852 is the frequency of returning to spiritual order.

I wanted to share a few Corona Likes & Learns with you...

Likes:

• If you've known me for a long time, you may remember my folk singer friend Christopher Williams, who came to my parents' house for our Folk At The Farm concert, way back in the early aughts!  SO. FUN.  He's giving a Facebook Live concert tonight at 8pm.  Pretty psyched about tuning into that!  

• Lori Bisser free yoga on her Facebook page and her youtube account.  Scroll down on her FB feed and you'll find various classes she has done in the last week or so...and some other good content too!  I used to do her classes and The Rivi and really like her!  Psyched she is offering classes online now.

Learns:

• Delay of gratification.  I never liked this concept.  When I crave Half Liter smoked meat...I must go.  When I want to make this yummy recipe and don't have the ingredients on hand...I run out and get them. I'm learning that it's ok to not have it all right now.

• Conservation...of food in your frig, of toilet paper, of energy.  I am super mindful of this right now.  Doing the 3 square pee ;-), planning meals around what in my frig needs to be used, sleeping more.  It's all important, and pre-corona, I didn't value it so much.

• The attached Quarantine Stir Fry recipe that I made up in order to use the food on hand.  It's really adaptable and easy.  I hope you enjoy.

Until next time, sending you love and light as we navigate this new world.

Faith and Hope

Good morning friends.  I'm doing really well this morning, but yesterday was heavy.  How about you?

Ruby and I have been driving to our old house every day because the feral cat on the old block had kittens again (no one has been able to catch her to get her fixed) and Ruby is determined to find them.  For me, it's a good excuse for both of us to get outside.  I walk with Ruby while she hunts, and I actively DO NOT hunt - because fostering that last litter was QUITE the big job and I'm not up for it again...I digress.  

So on the way over to Broadway, we pass all of our favorite restaurants and bars and coffee shops and little stores.  We normally pass one zillion people and I weave down side streets to get around the congestion on College.  But yesterday was a ghost town.  Our favorite places were either closed or had big signs saying "Take Out Only".  It really hit me like a ton of bricks.  The gravity of it all.  The sadness.  I got tearful.  These people are my friends.  My family.  They serve me with love.  I not only eat and drink in these places, but I connect, I laugh, I celebrate.  These places and the people working in them make me happy.  How are they going to pay their bills?  Will their businesses survive?  What the heck can I do?  And this is just the tip of the iceberg.  It all just made me so sad.  

In the interest of feeling all the feels and moving through them, I felt all the feels.  I didn't run - this is not my nature, but I am determined to feel it all and not distract.  And I am the QUEEN of Distraction.  Even in a quarantine, I can easily find ways to keep myself so busy that I wonder what all these people mean when they say it's a time to slow down and rest.  SLOW DOWN?!  I can keep myself running at warp speed even now!  Haha.  But dang it - I am going to slow down and feel all of these feelings.  And I did.  I am.  I let it all roll.

And this morning I am filled with hope.  I drew the Mother Mary goddess card this morning. "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me.  Speaking words of wisdom, Let it be."  She says:  "Have faith that your prayers have been heard and are being answered.  Faith is the light that illuminates your pathway.  Without faith, the future looks very frightening.  That's why it's essential for you to take whatever steps are necessary to keep your mind and heart filled with faith.  Please don't give up hope on yourself or other people.  Keep the candle of faith burning within your soul, as that one small inkling of hope can eradicate the darkness of despair.  Be the light that eliminates someone else's gloomy hopelessness as well.  For as you make others stronger, it strengthens not only yourself, but the entire world.  Let go of worrisome thoughts.  Keep your thoughts positive.  Notice and follow any Divine guidance you receive.  Pray.  Engage in spiritual healing." 

So faith and hope are the order of the day.  I have always loved this Emily Dickinson poem:  

   “Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -"   ...

Thanks to a few of my friends for sharing hopeful words of wisdom with me yesterday:

• From Kathy:  There will be opportunities that we can’t imagine and growth that we can’t imagine. The universe's way of waking us up to what matters. Hopefully the opportunity will bring clarity to a lot of people that really need it in our culture.  Humans are the second most resilient creatures on earth. After cockroaches of course.

• From Melyssa:  We all are going to be ok. So many lessens to be learned about ourselves, others, and connection

• From Stephanie:  Some sort of rebirthing process is happening. The Universe is giving us all the push we need, collectively, for change. I've seen more people come into spiritual awakening than ever before. It's almost like people are craving it! I think once the dust settles, we are going to emerge...different. I think this is happening on both a micro level for so many and now a macro level. I keep telling my husband that he has ignored his true self (haven't we all at some point?) for so long that his body and all of his systems are forcing him to take notice and change. Isn't that what is really happening to all of us, globally, now?  Sometimes the entire system has to crumble before people listen and make changes. What a fascinating time to be alive in the midst of the entire rebirthing process of all the people on earth! Wow.

My friends.  Are amazing.  So thankful.

And a few other fun randoms:

• If you don't have Spotify, you can search the healing frequencies I've been talking about on youtube.

• I'm looking for new ways to move my body at home that feel good and aren't mind-numbingly boring.  Here's what I'm going to check out in the next few days:  

  • I like Lori Bisser's yoga classes.  I used to do them at the Rivi.  She is posting them on youtube and doing Facebook Live classes, which are also recorded on her FB page, if you can't make it live.

  • Check out @empty.out on IG - look at her videos - she does this intuitive movement that is really inspiring.  I'm going to choose a few songs I love and do something like this on my own.  

  • Amanda @thegoldngut posted on IG yesterday that she is doing an IG Live event tonight at 8:30 with @empty.out.  It's Reiki and Empty Out!  Sounds awesome.

  • Also going to check out Popsugar Fitness on youtube, per Amanda @thegoldngut.  She said the 30 minute cardio Latin Dance Workout was really fun.

• some crystal support suggestions, for those who have asked:

  • Check out local artist and magical being, @JuniperFeather, on Insta, to purchase crystal jewelry she is making with such love and intention - double whammy:  get some crystal support + help a local single momma and massage therapist during a time of physical distancing.  PS:  free shipping!

  • Lapis helps release your pent up emotions

  • Sodalite encourages expression of feelings, brings emotional balance and calms panic

  • Black Obsidian, Black Tourmaline, and Black Onyx are protection stones that absorb internal negativity and shield you against the dark energy of others.    

May your day be filled with hope and faith.  

What The World Needs Now

...Sing it with me..."is love, sweet love."  You might want to pull up that song on your listening devise now.  I like Cat Powers' version best ;-).

So I gotta be honest, I went to bed angry and I woke up angry...and I'm still hanging onto it a bit.  Found out last night that a friend of ours' sweet little baby had to go to the ER last night because she had a fever and was in respiratory distress.  She's ok (as of late last night at least).  Thank god.  Still say a prayer for her, and her family - she has 2 little sisters.  However, it made me REALLY mad...mad that people are STILL not taking this seriously, and going to Hobby Lobby and the mall, and wherever else they think is so important.  How did little Rasa get it?  Who knows.  Which is the point.  People are carrying it around (vectors) and don't know it and think they are fine and healthy and exempt from staying home, and then they give it to an old lady who really just needed milk.  Or to a sweet little baby who has to get oxygen now.  I'm not gonna go down that path any farther, because a) you get the idea; b) I've done it over and over;  c) it doesn't help me feel better, and d) i don't think it's helpful for anyone.  

PS:  they were told in the ER (Peyton Manning) that they are only testing people who are admitted to the ICU, cuz there aren't enough tests.  So that # of infected people reported daily...yeah, it is meaningless.  

So...after going to bed with that news, and trying to shake it (unsuccessfully), I woke up late (I hate that) and to a sink full of dirty dishes.  And the counter too.  Wow did that stoke my anger fire.  PEOPLE!  Do you think that a pandemic means that you are absolved from your household duties?!  No!  That is definitely NOT in the pandemic handbook!  I banged around in that kitchen so hard to punish anyone who might be feeling peaceful in the house.  

Then I came downstairs and saged the shit out of myself to get rid of it all.  Helped a little.  Went into meditation, holding my rose quartz (for love), and selenite (this selenite practically JUMPED into my path at Playful Soul one time.  I wasn't looking for it, but I could just see it's power vibrating.  It is used to clear, open, and activate the Crown and Higher Chakras, and used for protection).  So the first thing I do in daily morning meditation is call in my guides, and ancestors, and recently - because it's all hands on deck here people - the angels...all of them...and the goddesses, and the Grandmothers (from the book "A Call To Power:  The Grandmothers Speak...Amazing book).  And here's what they did:  They all came in and got in a circle, holding each other's shoulders (you know like a football team does in a huddle sometimes), and they stacked on top of each other (cuz there's no earth gravity in their realm - this must be fun, huh? ;-)).  So picture them in a tall cylinder, all circled around a fire, watching it and swaying back and forth in this gentle dance of sorts.  I could feel that they were watching Earth burn.  The fire was Earth.  We are on fire, folks.  And it has to happen.  And then I felt this LOVE.  And the song "What the World Needs Now...is love sweet love" came into my head.  

I don't want to be angry.  But it's a pretty natural feeling.  And ignoring and smashing down our feelings is not helpful.  They will come back out in another way - illness, snapping at your loved ones, beating yourself up for something silly.  So feel it.  Sit in it.  Ask it what it has to show you.  You know what my anger showed me?  That I like to be right.  I was finger pointing and blaming and all on fire with self righteousness.  Well that's ugly.  And not how I want to show up in the world.  And it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't help anyone feel better and it makes me feel really shitty.  And I don't want to feel shitty.  But I'm honestly not quite done feeling it.  I'm gonna do a meditation here in a bit to further connect and feel it totally - really get into it - so that I can work through it.  Really work through it, not just ignore it or suppress it.  Maybe I'll record it and post it.  Stay tuned for that...

So that is my point (I have never been known for economy of word ;-))...feel the feels.  We're gonna get pissed, and scared, and all the other junky emotions that we humans have and don't like to feel.  It's part of the process.  Feel them.  See them.  Walk through them.  And then after you do that, maybe we could focus on loving.  No matter who is right or wrong (from your perspective or mine).  No matter who is quarantining and who isn't.  No matter who cleans up the kitchen or who doesn't.  Let's express our emotions - get it out.  And then come back around to love.

Check out my youtube video - a little tour of my meditation altar and a 13ish minute meditation (starts at 9:44) for feeling your feelings (the ones you don’t like), moving through them, and choosing a different one. I worked through anger and chose love, but you can choose your own emotions to work through.

And now let's join our virtual hands...OH!  Yes, let's actually do that - picture it right now.  Picture yourself in circle with a million people, around a fire, and all singing "What the world needs now, is love sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of..."  Just sit there and do that for a minute.  It feels good.

Btw - the frequency of love is 528.  So maybe do a Spotify search for 528hz and play that in the background when you're feeling like Miss Judgey Pants.  Or even when you're not.  

So...today I'm sending you...understanding.  And grace.  Because it's messy.  And we're not all going to do this right or well all the time.  But let's come back around to love as much as we can.

Peace be with you, friends. (I'm not Catholic, but have always loved when they do this at mass and it feels really good and right these days).

How are we gonna show up?

Well, this is getting interesting...how are you doing?

As we navigate the pandemic, I am looking for new and different ways to grow and connect.   How can we connect deeper with self and The Divine?  This is Kali learnin' folks!  If you were at the February gathering, we talked about rock bottoms in our lives and how they are turning points.  Kali is here to BURN SHIT DOWN...to burn down everything that isn't working and give us an opportunity for rebirth and transformation.  It hurts.  It's hard.  It's scary.  There are so many unknowns...everything is unknown, in an unprecedented way, for all of us. So how will we choose to navigate through it?  

I received a few messages yesterday that really resonated, from Ashley on "The Line" podcast (a Monday don't-miss for me!):

• make a commitment to yourself, your energy, your message, and how you want to be showing up during this time.

• Make connections - piece things together

• make conclusions and commitments

• your energy has a ripple effect.  It affects people far and wide, way more than you are aware of.

Look, I have fears creep in too...what if the virus is on the mail?  I have a history of respiratory infections, bronchitis and pneumonia!  What about my Mom - she's 77 with lung issues.  What if we run out of food - is it really safe to order more online?  What if the stock market crashes...it's happening.  What if our buyers back out of the sale of our house, which is due to close on April 15?  What if all of the small businesses I know and love go under? What's going to happen to my friends in the restaurant industry!?  My son!? ...I could go on.  You get the idea.  

So here's what I'm doing:  

• I am making a commitment to myself, and to the collective, to not show up in fear.  Sure, fear comes.  It's normal.  I acknowledge it - yup, I see ya, Fear.  You kinda suck and you don't help.  And you make everything worse, in fact.  So you can sit in the way back while love and trust drive this bus.  

• I'm choosing to focus on how I can grow and learn and connect in new and different ways.  

• I'm getting over my aversion to posting on social media - it feels like when I post, I am being a smarmy salesperson.  I'm afraid people will think (know) that I am weird.  I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid and silly.  Yup, I hear ya fears - back seat please.  I'm doing it anyway.  I just posted a video to youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PBF8lG7kCg) and IGTV, which you can also get to via my Instagram (if you didn't know that ;-)) and/or Facebook (IG and FB are @citycricketcoaching). AND IT WAS TERRIFYING!  I have never posted a video.  Just typing that made my pits all sweaty!

• I'm toying with the idea of doing Facebook Lives.  I follow a few educators who do this and I like it.  If you can't show up at the appointed time, you can catch the replay.  It would be like what I would do at a retreat/gathering...in 20-30 minute bites. 

• I'm GONNA get that blog going, that I have talked about FOR.  YEARS.  I am going to send (mostly) daily emails.  I'm an extrovert trapped in a house with 2 introverts - I GOTTA EXPRESS MYSELF OUTWARDLY!!!  And on a positive note, the introverts in the house have never been more happy - haha!

What are you choosing?  And how can I help?  How can we be connected virtually?  

I'm sending you love.  So many people are hurting in so many different ways.  What are the ways that we can rise to the occasion, to not feed the fear, and to help others?

In peace and love