“I just can’t get motivated to keep up on housework these days.”
That’s the opening line of a coaching session I had last week. Seems like a simple and not uncommon issue huh?
But here’s what I know from years of coaching:
IT’S NEVER JUST ABOUT THE DISHES!
In less than 30 minutes here’s what we found:
She’s a recent empty-nester. Housework used to be about serving her family so she enthusiastically did it. “Now it’s just adulting so it’s not joyful”, she said.
Her kids provided a constant reminder about what is important to her - love, family, playing in the sprinkler, doing fun things. Now she doesn’t have a built-in reminder. And she’s stuck.
She also realized that she has been resisting the grief that also comes along with the joy of this phase. She said she is so happy for her kids and proud that they are out on their own now and doing so well. “It’s a good thing. I shouldn’t be sad about it.”
We explored how she can be both. Change - good or bad - brings all sorts of emotions. And they’re all ok. And it’s not a linear process. But if we say that an emotion is not ok, or we “should this or should that”, then we create resistance. And resistance doesn’t just stay in one place. It creeps into everything. And then you feel stuck.
She had been going through all of this unconsciously. When she felt a negative emotion come up, she shoved it back down and tried to shift her focus - unconsciously. The result of that emotional repression was that she felt yucky, but she didn’t know why.
Once we brought awareness to it, acknowledged it, didn’t try to change it, got rid of the “shoulds” she was having, the resistance went away.
She opened - I could see it! Her mood lifted, her demeanor changed, she started coming up with solutions, she shifted into possibility, and even excitement for her new era.
She said “I want to figure out how to re-orient in this new phase of life. How am I living my values?”
We talked about visualizing this next era - what does she want it to be? What are the possibilities?
Through conversation, she ended up creating some action items for herself: she’s going to spend time in quiet prayer asking for help and direction. She’s going to find some books on this topic, she’s going to check in with friends who have been through this.
And btw- these were not my suggestions because coaching isn’t about me telling you what to do. She came up with all of these ideas.
THIS is the power of coaching.
When you feel stuck, or yuck, a good coach can illuminate the shadowy corners for you. A good coach listens for you to reveal what you need. Because you DO know.
If you’d like some help excavating the answers, let’s schedule a session!