I have found my 5 guiding words for 2021 to be such an anchor for me this year: Alignment, Purpose, Connection, Strength & Change. They are hanging on the wall in front of my desk. I made them pretty. I look at them all the time and think about what they mean and how they are showing up in my life. I think about the invitation to embody and practice and grow into each of these words this year. When they came to me, I was pretty excited about the first 3 – Alignment, Purpose, Connection. I saw how these directly related to City Cricket and that was where I was feeling energy and excitement. But strength and change…those were fine words, but I didn’t feel so connected to them. Well, let me tell ya, this past week they came into sharp focus when a recurring, familiar, crippling fatigue returned.
My first thoughts were UGH!!!! AGAIN???!!! NOOOOO!!!!! Those were closely followed by feelings of dread, anger, and frustration. Then I decided to handle the fatigue differently this time. I usually want to fight it - throw punches, get really mad and outraged. I want to battle! I get busy with problem solving and working hard at healing. This time I decided to take the drama out of it. I was instead just an interested observer. I acknowledged it – “Hello. It’s you again huh?” I talked to it like a person. I started to connect with it, to relate to it differently. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t “my” fatigue. It was just a visitor. The fatigue seems like a tough, old, wise woman. No-nonsense. A little gruff, not at all sweet and comforting. Her skin is dark, with a million wrinkles, deeply aged by the sun and challenging experiences. I named her Fatima. I got real weird and it felt good. I developed a relationship with her. I not only accepted Fatima, I welcomed her. I asked her - what lessons are you here to bring? I know you are here for a reason and I am listening. This time I will not fight you. I will sit with you. I will listen. I will accept you and thank you for the gifts that you bring. While you are an unexpected guest, and admittedly not one that I was happy to see pull up in the driveway, this time I will invite you in and we can make some tea and chat a while. I have some snacks in the frig. Maybe I have misjudged you. Maybe I can learn from you. I made a CONNECTION (guiding word).
As I got better acquainted with Fatima over the week, I saw that she was bringing my 2 guiding words CHANGE and STRENGTH into focus. I saw that she was giving me a chance to practice SURRENDER & TRUST (my next workshop). She was inviting me to look at EVERYTHING in a different way. She was inviting me to change the way I hold energy- how I flow through my days, how I approach work, how I listen (or don’t) to my body. I started to ask myself - what feels good right now, what does my body want to eat right now, does my body want to move or be still right now? I did not see anything in my day as a given or a must-do. I reexamined everything. I looked at the energy with which I came at everything. It’s usually not the thing itself that zaps my energy, it’s the energy with which I engage with it. I know this concept. I know it intellectually. But last week I FELT it. I really GOT it, at that cellular, feeling level.
I dropped the frustration of feeling limited. I saw that she actually opened up new ways of doing and being. I was not limited, I was actually expanding in different ways. I dropped the fear that she would stay too long, and maybe never leave. I dropped the anger – This AGAIN!? Why me!? I don’t have time for this!
I was invited to change the way I work, the way I rest, the energy with which I approach all things, which requires a CHANGE in perspective. And STRENGTH. I am being called to a new sort of strength. Not the gritty kind – where you suck it up, grit your teeth, and plow through to produce. Not the kind where you push yourself through because it’s good for you, or because it has to be done. Not the kind where you grin and bear it, put your chin up and stand firm. I’ve practiced all those kinds of strength. I’m pretty good at them. However, THIS kind of strength…well…it’s unfamiliar. Do I have the strength to dismantle long held beliefs that are not serving me? Do I have the strength to look at Fatima in a different way, because it’s easy to hate her and fight her, but to welcome her!? Wow. Ummm. Idunno. Do I have the strength to keep reminding myself to try a new way of doing and being? Do I have the strength to really rest and allow my body what it is asking for? Do I have the strength to constantly keep challenging the way I approach everything that I do throughout the day? This is a very different kind of strength that I am being invited to practice.
Last week was an exercise in Surrender & Trust, the next workshop I am preparing to offer. Those topics were presented to me in some form EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. A book I picked up, a podcast I listened to, a friend sending a text…it was coming from everywhere! So I listened. I surrendered to the fatigue. I did not fight it or hate it. I did not see it as a foe or a hoe. I connected with it. I trusted it was here for my highest good. I fully embraced it and committed to seeing the gifts. I changed the way I held the fatigue. I changed the way I did absolutely everything. It took strength to keep coming back to that attitude and commitment, lemme tell ya! But I can do hard things.
I am feeling more strength today. I have the strength to write this. Last week I thought of trying many times, but I heard – “Not now. Rest. Receive.” Maybe the energy will last. Maybe it won’t. Either way, I am different and I am doing things differently. I accept her gifts with gratitude, I surrender control, and I trust that it is all for my highest good. Thank you, Fatima. Until we meet again…cue Sound Of Music “So Long Farewell”.