This Mary Oliver poem reminds me of the emotional rollercoaster week I had a few weeks ago…full of family and old friends, laughs and tears.
My aunt died, my dad’s oldest sister. She was the last of his living siblings. That feels sad. She was a remarkable woman. I got to connect with my cousins from different parts of the country that I don’t see very often. They are cool and hilarious. We told lots of family stories. That felt good.
A day full of sadness. Full of happiness.
“My heart dresses in black and dances.”
My nephew Michael, who has special needs, graduated from high school that same week. As he walked across the stage, he paused in the middle, turned to look at the crowd with a huge smile. He just stood there and soaked in the moment. We all teared up and the crowd roared with claps and cheers. My eyes are wet again now, as I think about it.
His party was a great celebration! I again got to connect with lots of friends and family that I don’t see very often. I “sang” Karaoke with Michael, who is mostly non-verbal, but made happy sounds. Although I could say the words, I canNOT carry a tune! We made a joyful noise ;-). It was so special to connect with him in that way.
A week full of happiness. Full of sadness.
“My heart dresses in black and dances.”
I loved all of the social time. All of the connections and reconnections. All of the deep and shallow and funny and sad conversations. And it was too much activity for my immune-compromised body. I had some heavy-duty fatigue for the full week afterwards.
I’m thankful for the week, with the full range of emotions.
“My heart dresses in black and dances.”
I talked to people about the energy work that I do. I was surprised by some of the reactions from people that I did not expect - the rural Indiana deer hunter got it. I talked with a cousin I rarely see about energy and signs and belief in the unseen. We were on the same page. I was not expecting that.
“I have small frog brothers and tall thin heron brothers.”
Then my daughter, who has suffered greatly with a severe case of the autoimmune disease PANDAS, turned 16 and decided she wants to go back to a school building this fall. The fact that she is able to even consider this is astounding. Her last year in a school building was 4th grade because she has been too sick to manage traditional school. We stopped all formal education in 2020 because she was too sick for even basic daily functions. She’s been unschooling and healing since then. She took personal responsibility for her health and has healed herself so much in the last 3 years that she wants to do this. And believes she can. And I believe in her determination.
I am both full of pride and full of anxiety. Is this the best thing for her? All the what ifs…
“My heart dresses in black and dances.”
My friend Dara reminded me that all of this can be true at once – sadness and happiness, tears and laughs, fatigue and gratitude, pride and anxiety.
“My heart dresses in black and dances.”
And Mary Oliver reminds me that we’re all connected. We’re not as different as we might expect. We’re all working together to figure it out.
“I have small brothers and tall thin brothers and my heart dresses in black and dances.”