“Hope is the conduit for miracles.”
That’s my weekly card for contemplation from Gabby Bernstein’s deck.
Yes, it’s true. But Hope is a tricky little guy. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?
I do monthly training and mentorship for the coaches at Goodwill. They do amazing work with employees of Goodwill. We just completed a series highlighting points from Ross Ellenhorn’s book “How We Change, And Ten Reasons Why We Don't.”
He talks about the research on The Fear of Hope. This was new to me.
Here’s how my man Ross sees it: “When you hope for something, you YEARN for it. But you don’t know if you’ll actually get it. That makes it different from optimism, which is a strong belief that you’ll get it. When you hope for this something, you’re giving greater importance to it than you did before you began hoping. As a result, your potential disappointment over the loss of that thing becomes more intense the more you hope for it. The higher you go up the hill of hope, the farther you could fall because you’re making that want/wish/goal more and more important as you pursue it.” …or in some cases just think about it.
This is resonate to me. I have learned about myself that I really hate disappointment. And I see how I try to avoid it by not always going for the thing I really hope for. I have also learned that you feel disappointment anyway, because you don’t get the thing you hoped for either way. So you’re not really avoiding disappointment at all, you’re just guaranteeing it.
I tested this theory out with a coaching client and found that hope (supposedly the conduit for miracles!) was actually her block to her forward progress!
She had such a fear that could not find the job that she hoped for that she was doing nothing. SO SHE CAN HOLD ONTO HOPE. She has no idea what would happen if she can’t find a good job where she lives. Not getting it feels like worst case scenario to her. She jokingly/not joking said it feels like someone is chasing her down a dark alley with a chainsaw. The disappointment of not getting the thing she hopes for felt unbearable. At least if she does nothing, she can hold onto hope.
I then explored this with another client. She too was sitting in inaction because if she puts her work out there, it may be rejected. She may be told it’s not good, she’s not good. Then she would lose her identity as an “artist” and that is worst case scenario. So she sits alone with her beautiful creations hidden from view so that she can hold onto hope. Hope that they’re good. Hope that she is worthy. Hope that she is enough. Hope that she is a good artist.
Makes sense doesn’t it? The discomfort of losing that particular hope, the disappointment of it, seems so unbearable that you’re not willing to feel it.
But here’s the thing. You’re still miserable sitting with your precious hope in tack. It feels bad to have what you hoped for not turn out, but it feels as bad, and eventually worse, to not to try.
Then nothing ever happens. And you cultivate a fear of hope, because hope feels worthless. And then you stop dreaming because you keep experiencing that hope goes no where.
So yes…Hope CAN be the conduit for miracles. It can also be shackles that keep you stuck.
If you’re struggling with inaction, it might be a fear of hope. I’m good at helping people find the root of their stuckness and getting into action. Both of these clients are now taking action, btw! After years of not. So, you see…there IS hope ;-).
You can schedule a Zoom coaching session here for help.
photo of me by the amazing Emily Schwank.